A few months ago I read what was possibly my favourite ever tweet …
At the time it really made me chuckle. Not so much now.
You see that 68-year-old man is a comrade; a true brother in arms.
As the old adage goes, one man’s confectionist is another man’s freedom fighter; and that other man is me!
To explain I need to take you back a few weeks.
Luca goes to Nursery in the afternoons, and to get there we need to cross the school playground.
Until recently this was largely uneventful but for Sonny’s insistence of a hug and a kiss as we pass. The week before half-term however it took a sinister twist.
A couple of Sonny’s friends were playing cops and robbers. As we passed I aimed an imaginary gun in their direction and fired an imaginary volley of shots in that embarrassing dad kind of way.
It was to prove my Franz Ferdinand moment.
The next day they lay in wait. As I approached, they attacked. Swooping in and spraying me in machine gun spittle with each fly past.
Day three and they sent in the ground troops, launching a barrage of Kung Fu moves as I quickened my pace to reach the safety of nursery’s no man’s land.
It was escalating out of control.
Day four brought some brief respite as they were nowhere to be seen. Or so I thought. They’d only set up a bloody ambush. From behind a wall they jumped, armed to the teeth with skipping ropes and hula hoops!
I screamed like a girl. They saw the fear in my eyes. From this point on I was a dead man
Thankfully I was saved by what history will refer to as the half-term ceasefire. Two weeks for it all to be forgotten, and surprisingly it was; until yesterday.
Yesterday they were playing superheroes, wearing their coats on their heads as capes. They didn’t see me behind them. I couldn’t resist, I grabbed their hoods and swung them round so they were temporarily blinded.
I know, I don’t know what I was thinking either!
From behind me came a shout of,
So I ran. I’m thirty-nine. They’re FIVE!
And today it’s escalated into a full-blown crisis. Today they’d hired a band of mercenary soldiers. Today, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, I was chased off the playground by a baying mob of about forty (possibly eight, and two were girls).
Now I appreciate NATO are a little pre-occupied at the moment but I need help. I need Ban Ki-moon to take ten minutes out of his schedule to defuse the tensions.
Failing that I need a dinner-lady to escort me across the playground and I’m prepared to pay a hefty amount in protection money!
Now you might wonder where Luca was in all this. You and me both!
Ask him and he’ll probably tell you he was a conscientious objector. He’s lying. The turncoat was one of the bloody mercenaries. Sold out by my own flesh and blood.
I’m just grateful there’s a bank holiday weekend coming up. I need three days to regroup. Regroup and buy a sling shot and some malteasers. (I’m joking obviously … for now).